I’m in my late 30s, and I have found that making friends is different, but not necessarily harder. If you’re still thinking back to high school/college days where you had “the boys” or “the girls,” that’s just not realistic. People have jobs, hopefully careers, spouses, kids. If your primary focus is on exclusive friend time in your 30s, that is very difficult to find. Most people have more than just friends going on in their lives–unlike in high school and college, where people typically had friends going on and lives that wrapped around it.
I’m fairly affable and outgoing, which helps, but I enjoy making friends with people that aren’t. It’s easier, and the best friends I’ve made over the last few years are people that aren’t very outgoing, but they like being around and hanging out with an outgoing person. But that does mean that I’m usually the one to strike up conversation, ask for a number, drag them out when I’ve got free time, etc. To be honest, many of these friends don’t necessarily make it easy to socialize with them, because it takes them out of their comfort zone. I’m aware of that, so I don’t mind the extra prodding and encouragement that it takes, but I think if you’re more like that, the best thing you can do is just try to decrease the amount of drag you add to trying to be friends (even though you might be unaware that you’re adding that “drag”). Often people will just be like “ok. They don’t want to hang,” and they’ll move on. I just grew up with friends that were always kind of like that, so I just know they tend to need a little more love and encouragement.
Beyond that, just prioritize friendship maintenance. Text people periodically, see how they’re doing, etc. Friends are like plants: when they’re new, they require a lot of watering and maintenance, once they’re established, they require less. But you can’t expect a new plant to take well to the treatment of an established plant with deep roots. You’ve gotta nurture it.
I’m just happy to have someone to meet online once every few weeks and play a game with, maybe to the pub once every two or three months for a pint or two.
You sound lovely. 😊
Aww…thanks! 😁
Learned this lesson as well as I’m approaching 30. Friendship just won’t automatically happen anymore. It requires your effort and also your friends effort. If you don’t maintain it, it will eventually die down because people are busy and move on with their life.
It will automatically happen if you have shared social space. However that shared social space isn’t automatic like it was when we were kids in school. In school we had a little community and we were there every day. In adult life all we automatically have like that is the workplace. (And of course people are pushing for more and more remote because who needs mental health)
So yeah. The most valuable effort isn’t so much to reach out and try to spark friendship, but to get off your butt and go to that weekly game night.
I will say that when I joined a league soccer team I had instant friends. Sports are amazing for that.
I’m often worried that I’m coming across too needy or bothersome whenever I’m reaching out, especially since people have much more going on in their lives than just friendships. Yeah it’s difficult as adults ☹️
Well, when you reach out, are you in need of something? Sometimes it’s just and being like, “what up, fool,” or sending a meme that reminds of them or whatever. If you’re only ever reaching out because ultimately you want attention, time, etc, maybe that comes off as needy (though I think that’s ok too!), but sometimes reaching out is just, like, “hey, thought of you, I don’t need anything!”
Me too!
I spent my time with my family at home until I was around 40. I was fine with that. I started getting into cycling and joined a club. Easily a great way to find friends.
Like anything in life you have to help yourself to fix your unhappyness.
Meeh, not really impossible, but damn hard, that’s for sure.
We can be friends OP
The problem is the other people in their 30s are boring, miserable, and second-guessing their life choices constantly. Even if they made the effort to be friends, I couldn’t stand them. The only people that don’t do that are my friends…my old friends…in my old city…far, far away… Oh, god I’m miserable and second guessing moving here.
Get friends younger/older than you then.
Which cities did you move from and to?
My 30s were so so so much better than my 20s, it wasn’t even funny. I partied practically non-stop from the point my 1st marriage ended in my early 30s, to when my 2nd one began at 41. I made tons of new friends, dated around a lot and had the best time of my life.
Now that I have 2 kids, a stressful job and my money evaporates the moment it hits my bank account, I also have lost all my friends. The only ones I have now are other adults with kids around the same age as my kids, because that’s pretty much the only time you get to socialize with other adults.
The secret is: hang out with people younger than yourself and/or get involved in a scene. I’m a musician so I just went to shows or met people at mine. It doesn’t have to be that though, I also joined a volleyball team and while I stunk up the joint, I also got to meet a bunch of cool people. Really most friendships are based on proximity and common interest, so if you’re into movies, go to movie festivals or special showings. Go to meetups, get involved in a political campaign (if you’re political).
That’s my experience and advice too. I just naturally find friends that are on average 15 years younger than me. I’m early 50s and most friends are mid-30s. Working at a university for years sort of established that pattern and it has remained even though i went corporate.
I mean, have you met US Americans in their 50s? For me it’s the lack of imagination they tend to exhibit. I’m a perpetual child myself, no kids, no plans or desire for any. Younger friends have interests and dreams, still. I do too!
I find the quiet desperation that oozes from people in my age cohort to be off putting. If you are desperate, stop being quiet about it!
Having younger friends keeps me optimistic because younger generations seem to have looked behind the curtain and have partially deconstructed the illusions we are ruled by. Maybe there’s hope?
There’s a Rancid lyric that stuck with me:
“Some grow up, and some grow old”
I grew old.
I have 1 friend who I am capable of seeing irl on a regular basis, the rest dozen of them are all from back in the day and are literally scattered around the world.
Anyone one in here with specialist knowledge know how a goat body would affect basketball ability I don’t want to summon something to play only to have a completely lopsided game either way.
You could join a club (sports or what ever you like).
Yeah or some type of meetup group. Or even something political if that’s your thing.
Volunteering also works
i’m 26 but i simply choose to not care anymore
it works 83% of the time
I’m an introvert, I never cared works 100% of the time
If anyone needs a friend, I’m here!
Add getting disabled at 34 to the equation.
People just don’t like you when you have MS.
Fuck that, I like you.
I like you!
MS ?
Multiple Sclerosis
“Multiple sclerosis (MS) is the most common demyelinating disease,[8] in which the insulating covers of nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord are damaged.[3] This damage disrupts the ability of parts of the nervous system to transmit signals, resulting in a range of signs and symptoms, including physical, mental, and sometimes psychiatric problems.” https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiple_sclerosis
It isn’t too hard if you’re willing to fail a lot first. It takes time, but I really turned my life around eventually. Even still I feel like an imposter, but an imposter with plenty friends anyway now
Donno sounds like a lot of work, I’d rather just be lonely
I mean I don’t WANT to be lonely, but it’s much easier, eh?
Exactly, I’m lazy and most humans suck
Ya it’s hard but start with looking at your local communities, participate, etc.
If you want to meet people and make friends, you have to join a group first. It’s awful. It’s stressful. But you have to join a group of some kind. That’s where IRL people are.
I mean, it’s how I made friends when I was a child. I suppose the time crunch is what makes it seem impossible.
Hello, it’s me, your fellow group mate
You have to go where people are to make friends.
Join an amateur billiards team(you don’t have to be good. Most teams actually need lower skilled players in APA).
Go to local shows/concerts/events/street fairs/farmers markets
Elevate a work friend or an acquaintance to a real friend by inviting them out to something you’ve both talked about.
Why summon Baphomet if you can buy a doll?
