but are they good
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot?
!633 hallmark movies!<
I love these movies, I think part of it is that holiday movies are some of the only light-hearted movies around that aren’t for kids. I don’t care that they suck in real terms or are all the same (something about xmas brings enhances my tolerance for terrible music and movies), I do wish they Hallmark knew about POC and LGBTQIA.
We used to call it Schlock not sure if that term is still used
It’s usually used to describe movies like Ghost Rider, Tremors, Con Air
Tremors isn’t schlock. Some of the sequels, maybe, but Tremors is a classic.
My husband absolutely adored these because they were wholesome with no gratuitous sex or violence. He was a conservative Christian and these were some of the few shows he could really enjoy unreservedly. (I doubt he would have been pleased to see a gay story, though. He’s not around to ask, unfortunately.)
I find them predictable and banal. But to each his own. He would watch a Hallmark movie in one room and I’d be in the other room watching Criminal Minds or something LOL
That’s not in Hallmark’s demo.
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I feel like these movies are like pop songs. I just picture a big factory somewhere where they produce these things en masse.
Imagine the heavy smog hanging over the area 🤢
HolidayPorn
I don’t watch these, but they make a lot of sense. I’ve watched movies sometimes and been disappointed that there are no similar movies for me to watch. If you like a generic Hallmark movie you’ll have infinite content.
If you’re a dog and like “eating anything on the ground”, you’ll never go hungry
You just eat what you know you like, if it’s good or bad is up to the person itself
When you have that almost perfect Stable Diffusion prompt and you’re trying to figure out what you have to change to get it that last little bit.
That would be the worst movie marathon ever!!
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It could be interesting to cut all the movies into even pieces making one movie with the average runtime of all of them and see if it’s cohesive.
Not trying to be racist but it’s almost always a man and a woman who are both White - and probably a Black side character if they are feeling generous.
Hollywood’s (meaning movie and TV producers in general) default is white and straight.
The hetero norm is changing slowly, but the white norm is still very much a thing. Typically for a movie to feature a predominantly POC cast, it’s directed by a POC and listed as a POC movie, rather than just… well, a movie.
They have ones with black protagonists, the white ones just have a few token black people, often for comic relief. This is TV for Karens essentially.
Read that as “TV for Kansans” and it still fits.
If they do have an interracial couple it’s always a black man with a white woman. Never the other way around.
Santa Claus is my favorite pale male.
Damn. Some very white Christmases in Hallmark land.
My mother and sister fucking looooove these movies, despite how low effort cookie cutter they are. My favorite game while they’re watching is “count the POC.” The last one we saw together, I got to 1.
What’s your high score?
Also 1
Two.
Do extras count, or do they need to have a speaking part?
I love to just have them on, in the background. These movies are self-aware. The Netflix equivalent has its own universe with internal references to each other, which includes fake countries, maps, etc. I’m no joke invested in the Netflix Christmas-verse or whatever the fuck.
Hallmark is a little less fun to watch, but still quality rubbish. Everyone knows it’s over the top. The actors, producers, and writers are all in on it. I’m not saying that makes them good. They are still bad. But when you watch them knowing the content is almost intentionally cringe, it’s a bit better. With a slight shift in perspective and perhaps a bit of squinting, you can see the Christmas overtures as nothing more than satire. Last year, one movie just threw in a vague reference to Santa. No beard. No glasses. Just a guy who wore a red coat and occasionally would get 1-3 seconds on camera breaking the fourth wall. He had like one line. No gifts. No reindeer. Never interacting with the Christmas Couple. Just essentially an old dude in red. To me, that’s the height of humor. It’s like they’re just wafting a single sprig of holly over the film in the editing room. I crack up every time.
Here’s a fun drinking game: one shot each time a new white character appears. Happy coma!
The Hallmark movies are mostly filmed in one of the whitest basic beige towns in British Columbia. It would be difficult to find someone. They do have an east Asian population but it’s small.
If they ever need a black guy on set for whatever reason, give them my info
I like free food
And since you’re already certified the paperwork will be a lot easier to push through.
they would never dare disrupt the cash cow with gays or queers, or atheists or ‘non christians’, or a realistic portrayal of a poor or homeless person, or too many brown persons.
And it’s beginning to snow. 🎶
I don’t know why they would do that if it’s not what the audience wants
That’s their trademark, as soon as you see it you know it’s a Hallmark romantic, cheesy, family movie.
My grandmother loves these movies. Some channel started playing them since July and she’s basically watched and rewatched all of them by now.
You missed the best series of nonsense Christmas movies:
- Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas
- Time for Her to Come Home for Christmas
- Time for Him to Come Home for Christmas
- Time for You to Come Home for Christmas
- Time for Them to Come Home for Christmas
Yes these are legit hallmark movies.
So we’re still waiting for “Us” and “It” before we crack into the non-binary-centric pronouns, which we obviously won’t.
In the far distant future they just might, if it becomes profitable to do so
“Us” already exists
Is Time for It to Come Home for Christmas an Addams Family crossover?
Sports movie.
It’s the Thing, loosely disguised as one of the main characters from the previous movie but the plot works like groundhog day. Every misstep it makes ends in it dying to a flamethrower as it’s forced to comply with Hallmarks demands.
“Time for It To Come Home for Christmas” sounds vaguely ominous.
Here’s a script idea:
Suzy Citygirl has to plan the perfect Christmas pageant or Bernard Bigbiz will fire her from her job at the Joyless Inc. Little does she know when she gets sent to Tinytown, Vermont on business she’ll meet Matty McSmall town. He owns the struggling local tinsel factory and needs to sell enough tinsel by Christmas or else his grandma won’t be allowed to have the surgery she needs to remove the tumor from her holiday spirt gland. Matty is also single dad that was widowed by a freak tinsel lathing accident and the little girl loves Sally Citygirl from the beginning and secretly helps her dad see past his pain.
With minutes to spare in the Christmas pageant/tumor deadline Suzy convinces Mr. Bigbiz to buy enough tinsel to save the Christmas pageant AND remove grandma’s tumor! But after throwing the perfect pageant she realizes Mr. Bigbiz is a terrible boss, and moves to Tinytown permanently. She falls in love with Matty, and gets a job at his tinsel factory. With her big business skills the struggling tinsel factory grows three sizes that day.
Mr. Bigbiz is ruined. He realizes the error of his ways and comes to Vermont to apologize. Now he too works at the tinsel factory, and loves life now. But don’t forget, throughout the movie the cast interacts with lovable bearded old man who may or may not be Santa, because wtf, why not?
I love how Suzy’s name changed at random.
I mean it’s Hallmark, is anything really of consequence?
I recommend episode 3 of the Storylords podcast for a great horror version of these stupid Hallmark movies
