On a whim I called a free therapy help line from a poster at work.
I never initiate interactions with anyone unless it’s required, I only ever respond because I am terrified of ruining someone else’s day by forcing them to deal with me. The idea that I might annoy or bother someone is terrifying and nauseating, so I just… don’t do it.
In talking with the therapist, we made a connection between this neurotic impulse and my dysphoria. I started my transition at 29 (lol), so I have almost two decades of hating the way I look and sound (and feel and act and dress and). I suspect that I projected this dysphoria onto everyone else too, subconsciously assuming everyone else hated the way I look and sound as much as I do. Now that I’m a few years into my transition and I don’t feel that way anymore, I’m slowly learning to stop projecting that onto everyone else too! Slowly. 😅
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Self esteem is something a lot of people (myself included) need to practice to get good at.
For me, I had to realize I’m insignificant to most people to start being myself more. That and doing things. Like, anything you do, whether you love it or not, is better than doomscrolling.
You probably recognize you need to practice to get good at literally anything else. Why would socializing be an exception. Don’t compare yourself to others, compare yourself to you yesterday.
Sadly there’s a finite amount of people you can piss off before having to move to a different area.
What it I don’t want to do that? Shit, if it’s work related even that might not save you because people ask for references.
At least Other skills you can practice for as long as you have the money.
I want say with as much empathy as possible: time to examine yourself. Why are you pissing people off so much, and seemingly irreparably?
If this is a serious post, my advice would be to consult someone you trust who cares about you. Then believe them.
Then, after working on it, go find a job working with ex-military guys.
If it’s not serious, sorry my over-caring ass fell for it and still have a good one if you can.
In my particular case: turns out that autistic traits set the neurotypical people off, and can potentially trigger aggression even if the autistic person has done nothing wrong. Add to that the difficulty to read social cues and, well, I had to move schools twice for a reason.
