Assuming it’s bare-handed, what the best generic strategy to use? Try to crush it if it’s small enough and strangle it if it’s too big to crush?
Step 1) Thumbs meet eye balls
Step 2) Return to Monke
Good luck reaching an unwilling horse’s eye balls
Gross, but our opposable thumbs are a unique potential weapon in the animal kingdom!
Step Two, throw your Poo?
I mean you can. I don’t see how its gonna help though.
I emphatically dislike this, but you’re not wrong.
For horse sized things, scare it and hope it kills itself.
The most generic strategy is “do what you can do better than them and their natural predators.” In virtually any situation, that’s going to be tool use. You may be entering without a weapon, but sticks, stones, sand, doors, trash cans, the clothes on your back or anything you can get your hands on can put you at an advantage. You’d have to be in a pretty sterile arena to truly have nothing available.
If you’re particularly fit, you may be able to best most animals in a test of endurance: do everything to delay the clash and keep them moving, and they’ll grow hot and exhausted faster than you will.
So sweat profusely
I’m halfway to victory already
Reminds me of a great short story from the perspective of aliens talking about why humans are so dangerous - and it involves using the floor as a weapon!
link?
Not sure if it’s the same one, but I recently stumbled on the “deathworlders” ummm… Anthology?
https://deathworlders.com/books/deathworlders/chapter-00-kevin-jenkins-experience/
I’m a big fan of knee on the throat.
Settle down there, Derek.
I grew up in rural Canada. A guy I knew was drunk in the woods with friends and tried to ride a young deer that came up to them(the deer got used to people in that area feeding them, something that is not recommended) annnnnnd it beat the shit out of him and his 6 friends. He got a bad concussion and lost sight in one of his eyes.
Don’t fuck with animals. They are built different.
The difference is literally life and death.
Animals are always on the bubble of life or death. Always. Everything is always about to kill/eat them, or something they might be able to kill/eat, so it’s a mix of curiosity and fear.
When that deer beat the shit out of your friend and his buddies, it was a life or death thing the deer was contending with thinking it was about to be killed and eaten, so nothing’s off the table to get out of that situation.
Meanwhile, your buddy and his friends were drunk and doing it for the lulz.
Deer will always win with those stakes.
That’s kinda the same reasoning I am more scared to fight homeless people than any other rando. Those people don’t have anything to lose. If they are in the moment and want to fight you, then all bets are off.
Doe
Oh deer…
Don’t fuck with alcohol.
This question always trips me up because life is random. A human would probably win against a rat 99.9% of the time. But there is that scenario where the rat happens to bite in just the right spot and you bleed out. Same thing would happen in the inverse. Would a human beat a wolf, improbable. But there is that scenario where the wolf gets its neck too close to a human who goes primal and bites down and rips out as much as possible.
Myself? Maybe a dog if it was never trained to fight or defend.
I will take on every animal at once, and win.
By being elected president on a platform of bog-standard normal liberalism, FDR style, behind a remotely charismatic personality rather than a shambling horrid human corpse. I will legislate the space force to create huge satellites that catch solar energy and funnel that energy down to the surface with big microwaves. I will take this opportunity to equip the space stations with hypersonic aircraft that will drop normal supersonic personnel carriers, ensuring a global response time of only a few hours. This will probably be less monetarily intensive than putting a US military base everywhere on the planet, so I’d use those savings to expand the nuclear arsenal, and possibly deploy some of those weapons to space in secret under the guise of some commercial wi-fi satellite ventures. I will reveal this fact to everyone later on once they have all been globally deployed and nobody has any countermeasures, and then I’ll start performing a bloody hostile takeover of the planet.
Then, I will attempt to quintuple global fossil fuel output. I don’t know what we’ll use all this excess energy for, probably we’d just use it to build more horrible weapons of war, or huge impenetrable underground citadels, or whatever. I will get rid of regulation for industry, ensuring massive environmental disasters. I will even tell the CIA to do some of them probably, nord stream pipeline style, and they’ll probably do it cause they’re crazy. Maybe I’ll use the microwave power grid to blow up some of my enemies by boiling them until they explode.
At the end of my term as god emperor dictator, a disgrace and shell of my former self, I will use the nuclear football to ensure no life on the planet survives, except for maybe basic viruses, bacteria, and maybe a couple different insects. I will arise from my presidential super-bunker to face a barren world. A perfect world, free from sin. Thus concludes the 2nd Global Emu War.
If I wasn’t going to do any of that and I just had to give like the least dangerous animal I personally could take on, I’d probably say like. Maybe a stray ant. That might be too sad, though, because that’s just a lonely ant and it’s sort of too pathetic to kill it. Maybe like a really evil guy that’s about to die anyways? But that’s also too sad, because that’s just a meat-puppet automaton of life that has shambled around until it’s shut down. Maybe I could just kill like, dick cheney, or something, someone super evil. He looks too much like george costanza for me to do that though, I think.
Edit: actually I think I could take on any invasive species of animal barehanded, with a combination of my extremely tough fists that I have been spraying with dog medicine, and tai chi exercise DVD training regimen.
A horse?! that guy is delusional… most men won’t have the ability to defeat (unarmed) anything bigger than a medium size dog…
Anything bigger will likely overpower a regular human, most smaller would just be too fast or have different, naturally occurring weaponry to defeat us
Horses are skittish and will run from you, maybe an athletic human who knows how to track could chase it down until it’s exhausted caveman style
What about those miniature horses?
I think horses have quite a lot of stamina, the only animals actually comparable to humans. Which is why we ride them.
We’re still a lot better over distance, iirc, which is why we are able to ride them
Yeah horse messengers were only really a thing when you could change horses at stations. That’s the whole point of the marathon. It’s based on the history of a foot messenger (at a time when we very much had domesticated horses).
Lol does the horse retreat count as a victory?
A panda wouldn’t be too difficult, they basically kill themselves.
Yup. Humans aren’t large animals. If you want to compare bodysize, check the weights of the animals and the heights of everyone on all fours. Humans are mid.
Travis Kauffman and C. Dale Petersen have entered the chat. Outside of rutting season, you can intimidate most large herbivores smaller then rhinos/hippos/elephant sizes by just posturing aggressively. Some breeds of cattle are just assholes and shouldn’t be messed with regardless.
I’ve heard in a fight against dog you should go for their snout
If you get prep time you could set up some traps.
Assuming both sides see it as a fight to the death, the horse will also engage so you could just run away into a bunch of traps. All you need is for the horse to injure a leg in one trap and it’s done for. I think even just some holes with a couple spikes would be enough to injure and maybe even sprain an ankle.
Without prep time you’re pretty doomed, I think your best bet is either climbing up a tree to buy you some prep time to make a spear out of the branches or worst case diving in, aiming to do damage to its legs (unlikely) and hope you are able to get out without being trampled (unlikely)
What if you’re on a superflat world and there are no trees
NOT a cat… Don’t ask me how I know.
I have seen a grown man tackle a cat which had been running around a walmart backroom for weeks. It wasn’t pretty for the guy.
You just don’t expect that amount of fight out of that size animal. Respect.
Cats are the rightful rulers of this world. It would be foolish to oppose them.
Anything! Do I get guns? No? Oh well then nothing, nm.
Yeah, extremely important to specify what weapons you’re allowed to use.
A machete might be overkill for a sloth, but I think I’d still rather try the Apache helicopter for the experience.
But then you’ve already used up the Apache when the bear round comes.
AC-130 inbound
What’s the women’s version of this?
Which of your friends do you think is cheating?
I don’t understand this comment. What does the gender of the cheater have to do with it? Also, how is this a fun speculation? Trying to figure out how long you last against 1 goose seems more entertaining than guessing which of your friends is secretly a disgusting cheater.
I play-fight with my cat and I can say if they were taking it seriously I would have no chances.
The cat plays with you. Not the other way around.
I’m pretty weak so I don’t know… a vole?
It’s better than the people saying they can only take a fish out of water
Used to work with a guy who was fully convinced he had like a 90% chance of winning a fight bare handed with a mountain lion. 100% if he has a pocket knife…
That’s a cat that’s as big as a human. They’re 6 to 7 feet long and weigh 75 to 160 pounds. And they’re very good at hiding, so the chances are you get surprised.
Some people…
…with multiple “pocket knives” at the end of each limb and a jaw and set of teeth specifically designed to kill fleshy opponents with a skull or trachea crush.
It also eats an all-natural diet and exercises every fucking day of its life. And has spent all of that life practicing at being really fucking good at killing things that don’t want to be dead, and spend all of their lives practicing to avoid the mountain lion.
A guy in Texas killed a mountain lion with a Spyderco pocketknife because it had a hold of his kid.
So if the mountain lion had a mouth that was preoccupied with a small child, dude could be right.
MF never played Red Dead Redemption.
Do you get immediate medical treatment after, and is it free?
Assuming you’re not American, yes.
Lul, imagine thinking you won a fight, but after a while realising the great tit you wrestled with made you go bankrupt & now you have to pay loan interest for the rest of your life.
Tbh, that makes Americans fight these predators on more equal grounds than the rest of the 1st world. Most predators have to make the calculus of how starving they are vs what is the potential damage they can take
Lul, this is actually a really good point.
I mean… he won that one. I’d congratulate him on a well played feint as I died from lack of care.
We talking about combat or divorce?
Education actually!
Yeah but we Americans get to use as many guns as we can carry on our person.
I guess +guns and -healthcare makes us the glass cannons of the man vs beast challenge!
… just realized … what if you give the animal/animals +guns & +healthcare, just for fun … ?
I’m imagining a chicken sitting on the button of a chain gun giving you the sideways stink eye (classic birb tbh).
You can take on most animals in a fight if you have a gun.
That’s the cannon half of glass cannon. :D
And what if animals have guns + gun training? :D
I don’t mean necessarily like monkeys, I’m envisioning cephalopods with 8 guns. Or a tiny invertebrate with satellite weapon targeting systems.
We don’t need guns. We’re developing all sorts of new weaponized ways of using our ink.
Humans: [get inked from orbit]
The squids: It was the only way to be sure.
If I could turn off my empathy and love for animals I think I could defeat a Husky, maybe a German Shepard or similar with a kick to the head.
A single sheep? Maybe, if it’s not a mother. Goat? Fuck no. Anything larger than that and I have no fucking chance. Perhaps I could scare a deer, but that’s it.
One time I was hiking, and I saw some deer so I started yelling at them to get away from me. I swear one of the deer looked at me annoyed and like “I could take you”
I have successfully defeated several small fish and rodents over the years, and numerous insects.
I accidentally killed a mouse, sorry little guy I understand my shoe smelled like cheese…
I murdered a bat by grabbing him with my toes and throwing him across the room while I was half asleep. I thought he was a sock. The rabies prophylaxis was a small measure of revenge for him.
I pick a duck: Nobody said it had to be a challenging fight plus duck is delicious.
Bring it on you rapey bastard!
Rapey?
Yeah, man. Ducks are rapey.
Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
https://piped.video/E_-I1aRGttY?si=55uyDSqjyBJhun_O
Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
I’m open-source; check me out at GitHub.
