My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Boy am I ugly. I’m so ugly that when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother, she wouldn’t breastfeed me, she said she liked me as a friend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Then later as I was growing up, when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Boy I was an ugly kid. I had plenty of pimples, one day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I met the surgeon general, he gave me a cigarette.

Then I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He told me that with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

I told my doctor, “Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.

I tell ya, I know I’m ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

I was just introducing someone to Rodney last night because some actor in a show we saw looked a bit like him. Then I wake up and see this here. Life sure has funny coincidences sometimes.

"I tell ya, in my neighborhood, you play football, it’s really tough. After they sack the quarterback, they go after his family.” -Dangerfield

Lemme tell ya. My Doctor, he’s a real class-act. Gave a guy 6 weeks to live, the guy said he couldn’t pay, he gave him another 6 weeks! Hey alright.

Dangerfield is timeless.

Poor guy got no respect. It was pretty sad.

Seriously, though. I saw his standup for the first time several years ago. I think this was from the early 80s on Carson and the dude was lit. I only knew him from movies and his general schtick. I’d never seen his timing and delivery. He was great.

Wise guys I tell ya; last week I checked into a hotel and I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he started feeling up my wife