I am being harrased by the women lobby
I’ve heard of people who have complained about trans people showing up in their dating feed, mixed in with the cis population, being labelled as “transphobes” and harassed, but good to know that we’ve overcome that.
You’re perfectly entitled to not want to have sex with anyone based on any criteria you choose. Your body, your choice.
You are not entitled to filter transgender wo/men out of a “wo/men” category, as to do so fundamentally implies that they are not wo/men.
Now, if we’re talking about allowing people using dating apps to filter based on finer grained criteria, I’m all on board. If you choose to match with women, then trans women and cis women should all be captured by that filter. But if they add the ability to filter down to “women AND afab people” where all criteria must be met, then you can have your desired category.
But if we are going to do that, then I’d ask to also have a category to filter out people who have filtered out transgender people, because as a transgender person that’s obviously not gonna work. And many non-trans queer folk may want to also filter out people who filter out trans people, since queer folk tend to have a much more open approach to gender in dating in my experience and that’s not so compatible with someone who doesn’t.
Buuuuuuut… Dating apps don’t care about letting users filter down to such a granular level, because a large portion of their business model relies on people swiping for ages to find people that meet their criteria (or! Buy our premium package and unlock better filters! Which won’t work very well because people haven’t filled their profiles in to that degree!). So you’re probably stuck with trans folk in your feed, and they’re stuck with you. Lose lose.
Also, no human being is obligated to share what their assigned gender at birth was with any dating app. So even if we had these filters, a bunch of cis folk are probably just going to mark themselves as their gender, and a bunch of trans folk are gonna do the same(especially as outing yourself as trans can be horrendously dangerous in some situations), and neither will mark down their assigned gender at birth. And then the “assigned gender at birth” filter is gonna be somewhat worthless to the people who want to use it.
So maybe the best option is just to keep swiping past people who you think are unattractive (which might include some trans people).
Isn’t the idea of the dating feed that you can choose whom to date and whom to ignore?
The point of a feed is to literally show what you want. If someone wants to fake their age, gender, or wealth for a chance of sliding into someone else’s DMs, just to get caught and retaliate by projecting it back on them as the bad person, then that person is a literal psychopath and I hope it doesn’t escalate.
The point of a feed is to literally show what you want.
So the algorithm behind the feed is to blame when you get bad suggestions. Btw: showing only perfect matches makes people spend less time on the app and therefore they mix in bad suggestions deliberately. Blame the profit motive.
If someone wants to fake their age, gender, or wealth for a chance of sliding into someone else’s DMs, just to get caught and retaliate by projecting it back on them as the bad person, then that person is a literal psychopath and I hope it doesn’t escalate.
While this is true, I don’t see the relevance.
Because when someone has not selected a category for their feed, but that category appears in it, it means those mismatches are appearing because of intentional deception, hoping it works. That’s deviant behaviour. And when someone blows a whistle, they should not be the one punished for it.
How is that not relevant to the situation in that original comment? We just making exceptions now?
The original comment was about trans people in the feed, not about people lying about their age or gender or what ever.
No, it was primarily about non-cis in cis. This whole post isn’t about trans people. Whether that be <insert any non-cis thing here> or whatever, it only occurs because of a) mistake or b) devious action. The point of that comment was raising how those that call it out are ridiculed instead.
As I said, this applies to anything; age, gender, backstory, images, etc. You specifically focusing on trans people makes no difference in whether it is less wrong. That is just the theme of the same behaviour, pick whatever theme you want, that is not the point and it shouldn’t be glossed over, “Oh, it’s fine for this group but not others.”
I still don’t get it. Are there dating apps exclusively for cis people? Do non-cis people write into their bio that they are cis? Is this a thing that people explicitly say they are cis while they are not?
Or is the problem that cis normative people assume, the other is cis for no reason other than it’s the supposed default?
Partly. A feed is typically a set of rules showing you only your interests and filtering out everything else, and within this subset you then go about choosing.
Ideally we would not only have “women\men\bi” categories, but also “orthodox (cis only)\regular(mixed)\frisky(trans only)” categories. Otherwise, we might run into the problems which Saltesc describes, now that being trans is becoming more commonplace.
There needs to be space for everybody (or “everybody whom I don’t mind” depending on who you ask, sad lol), but while choices always have some consequences, we need to be careful that our freedom of choice doesn’t become another’s choice of freedom. I think trans people are (sadly) very well acquainted with this.
Calling the trans-only category “frisky” is certainly a choice. Let’s keep it to “all/non-cis/non-trans” and we can avoid cisnormative language altogether.
Those are being transphobic, yes
But eh, one act does not define a person
Whether someone’s life and identity is fully involved with society’s labels and categories or not; when participating in society, they gotta play by its rules for the sake of everyone that isn’t them. Though, of course, they’ll still be subject to condemnation by those that prey on the opportunity to deliver it.
In reality, those people are as “phobic” as anyone clicking the BBD category and getting hentai vids popping up instead. It’s not what they’re into and it’s not what they came there for. Breaking those categories and labels is intentional deception that will result in no reward and only harm. It is in no consideration of others and who they are, for sake of potential and unlikely self-gain. It is entirely self-centered to fake something and lie, in hopes of taking advantage of other people. This is exceptionally cruel in a psychosocial environment, especially a sexual one. And then to play a “phobia” card, it’s a predatory move.
“I don’t want to sleep with you.”
is often
“I don’t want you to exist.”Maybe in the heads of trans people but not really. I understand it’s easy to think everyone hates you, but if you believe that, you are no longer open to seeing the alternative and you see what you expect everywhere.
You can exist just fine but for some reason, it doesn’t seem enough to exist. Quite often trans people feel they have to showcase their sexuality, instead of just chilling and being cool with it like everyone else.
Bingo.
The amount of hate I receive daily (verbal usually, sometimes physical - I’ve had rocks thrown at me during Atlanta Pride) let’s me know that it isn’t made up. It got to the point about 5 years ago that I stopped having a social life in exchange for safety, and I am someone that “passes” well.
This is why voice training is so extremely important for trans people that can physically do it. Bigots tend to group up and absolutely will let you know that they hate you by doing everything from harassment to calling the cops to get you away from them if you get clocked.
You have almost verbatim made the “not all men” argument and shown that you have no real idea about the issue you tried to address.
Quite often trans people feel they have to showcase their sexuality, instead of just chilling and being cool with it like everyone else.
What the actual fuck? This sounds like something you decided was true in your head with no actual evidence to support it. It is actually extremely offensive and generalized IMO.
It’s just based on the trans people I have met so it’s highly subjective. For example, I saw two trans people on vacation in Italy wearing dresses, tons of makeup, tight clothes, open chests, and walking in a line like fashion models, looking straight ahead as into a camera.
That’s what I mean when I say “showcase their sexuality”. They are proud trans people who wants everyone to notice them.
I’m sorry to hear you are getting hate. Nobody deserves to be hated for how they look. But at the same time, we live in a extreamly superficial world. Quite an awful world if you ask me.
What is wrong with that? People can dress however they like and if you don’t like it you can just not look at them, not really rocket science.
Nobody deserves to be hated for how they look. But at the same time, we live in a extreamly superficial world. Quite an awful world if you ask me.
Guy… you’re the one being superficial… you don’t get to blame your behaviour on “the world” that’s extremely pathetic. Own up to the fact that it is people like you AND you yourself that make the world superficial. Or are you too afraid to take responsibility for your own behaviour?
I made a similar point in that if you look for hate, you can end up finding it even when it isn’t there.
But this argument is weird:
Quite often trans people feel they have to showcase their sexuality, instead of just chilling and being cool with it like everyone else.
That type of “often” is an illusion, since you can’t know how large the group of people that don’t make themselves obvious is.
And plenty of straight cis people engage in the exact same behaviour, broadcasting their sexual identity. It’s not something everyone wants to do, but it’s absolutely something everyone gets to do.
That’s true. I have no idea about the size of the group.
Sometimes it’s “I want to sleep with you, but I don’t want to want to sleep with you.”
Or “I want to sleep with you but I’d rather you die than have anyone find out.”
Well there isn’t an inherent connection between those two ideas. So I take it you’re looking for reasons to be suspicious
Not from me it isn’t!
I need someone to explain the male gaze thing to me better than the last person did. They made it sound like it’s bad to like what’s good.
But not always. I’m absolutely behind the point you’re making about some people, but if someone wants you dead, it’s usually not subtle.
I’ve met people who use this logic to turn absolutely vicious towards people who have otherwise shown nothing but kindness.
Smoking is an instant nope for me, and for that I’ve had some girls react like I think smoking makes a person abhorrent and undeserving of love.
(No, I’m not saying trans people can “quit” being trans the way smokers can quit smoking. Just saying that even if a piece of logic is valid, it should be applied with care.)
But smokers are abhorrent and nobody deserves love
Smokers are victims of marketing.
Everybody needs love, if only from themselves.
Yeah, absolutely, very much so, but I don’t want to kiss or sleep with smokers, and that’s OK.
Agreed, I was the guy making that point in the first place.
Yes.
Everyone deserves love. Nobody is entitled to love.
I’ve always contended that you shouldn’t care about what turns someone on unless you wanna fuck em.
excluding liking kids or animals. and relatives or nonconsenting people if relevant
All that is about consent. Except the relatives thing. Which is gross but not necessarily my business
Tbf, incest is quite often the result of grooming, which brings us back to the consent issue.
That’s one difficult thing, it can be pretty hard to tell from the outside whether it’s the product of grooming or not. The same goes for a lot of very legal types of relationships though, so I don’t think the possibility of it happening is a reason to completely criminalize it. The difference compared to the other things listed (children and animals) is those things can’t consent, it’s an impossibility.
I think enforcing some arbitrary age gap maximum for siblings though would make sense – incest between parents and children should be illegal full stop imo, and it’s hard to believe that any relationships between siblings who are 10 years apart isn’t from grooming.
That being said, I’m not sure that with our current shitty justice, law, and health system (in the US) that it’s worth it to start giving equality to those types of relationships considering we just don’t have the infrastructure or society to effectively prevent the legality being used to facilitate grooming. Society is too corrupt to prevent or bring justice for abuse at the scale needed. But people made similar arguments for incest being illegal as for interracial relationships being illegal so maybe I’m wrong.
What goes on between two or more non related consenting adults is no ones business but their own.
I just genuinely don’t care what people do in their bedroom.
What about the kitchen?
The kitchen is an abomination free zone.
You don’t use Le Creuset? Swipe left!
Cut to me assembling a dirty bomb on my quilt
OMG dude, no, stop! At least put down a tarp or something.
It’s my loving auntie’s who doesn’t have any kids of her own but makes them for all her nephews and nieces but I’m using it anyway because I’m callous and evil in this story 👿
This post is massive chaser erasure.
We need more chaser erasure.
What is chaser erasure?
Chaser: someone who fetishizes trans or other non hetero-normative people and pursues them as sexual objects.
Erasure refers to the deliberate or unintentional removal, omission, or invalidation of LGBTQIA+(though it can apply to any marginalized group really) identities, histories, and contributions from cultural, social, and institutional recognition.
Op is joking this post is ‘chaser erasure’ because it does not depict someone exhibiting that behavior and instead shows someone claiming they do not want to sleep with trans people.
Ok, but what if I’m into futas from magical anime fantasy land, but otherwise not into trans people and don’t go trying to bother them? Asking for a friend.
If your position is “I would never sleep with a trans person” you’re just transphobic. I usually respond with “but what if they pass and are post op?” and the answer is almost always still no, because the problem isn’t some specific sexual preference, the problem is they still view you as your AGAB.
Idk, I actually think it’s valid to cut out groups of people from your potential fuck pool. Like, everybody already does this. Straight people cut out everyone of their own gender. How is this different? If I don’t want to have sex with someone, how is that in any way a bad thing?
Weird how they feel the need to announce it instead of just having it. Almost like announcing it serves a social function, and it is obvious if you frame the same phenomenon through another bias:
“I only sleep with blond haired blue eyed white women”
Also fuck you have no idea how often I hear something about how trans women are unfuckable after turning a guy down.
The point of the meme isn’t about whether you personally would want to sleep with someone who is trans, and whether that makes you a good person or not, its about how the first, second, and last thing a lot of people think about wrt trans people is whether they are fuckable or not. Its not good to objectify people, if you do it is transphobic/sexist/racist/whatever dehumanizing. But if you see trans people as people, and respect their gender, their right to express themselves openly even if you aren’t sexually attracted to them, then this meme will never be a problem for you. And if you feel personally attacked by this meme, try and figure out why, because it’s probably not about you. Don’t be a creep isn’t that complicated, folks
[Laughs in pansexual]
I like women, I sleep with cis women. I do not want to sleep with trans women. By my personal assessment I’m somewhat transphobic and need to work on that.
Checkmate, lemmy.
Hell I’m trans and I was worried as I never had sex with another penis till I started dating another trans woman. I wasn’t great at it and actually love it after I had my surgery.
Everybody has their preferences and we often make fun of it.
- She wants a wealthy partner, she’s a golddigger
- he wants a gf with big tits - mommy issues
- he doesn’t want a gf with a penis, he’s a big piece of transphobic shit
See, it’s just the way we communicate
But all 3 are correct. Number two is a bit of an overstatement, but “I need a gf with big tits” is definitely hella objectifying and devaluing another human.
“I need a gf with big tits” is definitely hella objectifying and devaluing another human.
We’re complex beings and there might be some preferences in a matter of sex and appearance. I used to be a good friend to a closeted married gay. He loved his wife, but he has decided to divorce her and become openly gay. He had his preferences, but it would be much easier if he accepted these preferences and had chosen a partner according to these preferences. Same with tits I believe.
Maybe you are, but do you feel oppressed?
We’ve all got biases, invisible or no that we’re working on, like you said. Better to know them though
With this fuckin lemmy you never know. You say something minorly controversial, you get beaten up. You come out to be transphobic and they pat you on the shoulder. Go figure.
Although, I’m certainly not oppressed.
I’m a woman so I was never in a situation like this. I have more than few trans friends, including my neaphew god-father (that used to be his god-mother) and the problem with this meme is that the 👍is never the answer the comunity gives. They are indeed always very angry and are usually the first ones to say “transphobic”. As I told my friend I think that we should use the word Transphobic with more care since there are a lot of really hateful people in the world that do indeed want to hurt you guys,.
the problem with this meme is that the 👍is never the answer the comunity gives. They are indeed always very angry and are usually the first ones to say “transphobic”.
ALWAYS angry? Meaning your friends call you transphobic for not having sex with them? They’re NEVER cool with people’s preferences? Your friends sound toxic as hell, I’ve never had that experience with my trans friends.
Not my friend, as I said i don’t have this specific proble but this is a trend I have seen in the comunity in general s someone involved in it.
I’m a woman so I was never in a situation like this
The people this meme is about are also women.
But they do have problems like this and this js what I’m talking about. The fact that you jumped head first to the conclusion that I think they are not women is the problem. Give people the benefit of the doubt
“I am a woman so I haven’t been in the situation that these women have been in” doesn’t make sense. Ypu clearly don’t think they are women. Also, you are not the victim here.
You have 99 problems but I’m not one. Friendly tip: maybe look into some therapy
If someone just comes up to someone out of the blue and says they won’t have sex with you there’s nothing wrong with being angry or telling them to fuck off… I’d do the same if someone came up to me and said that and I’m not trans. The situation in the comic is not about someone’s preferences, it’s about people who constantly bring up their preference out of the blue for no reason other than to use it as a weapon. You’ve never experienced that problem, neat, good for you. A lot of trans people do.
Exactly - if you don’t want to date a trans person don’t. If someone conceals it, that’s not an issue with them being trans, that’s an issue with them being dishonest. It’s ok to dislike dishonest people.
This meme is fucking stupid. So many trans people complain saying that if others don’t want to sleep with them, they’re transphobic. No, I simply don’t like dealing with other dicks or have-been dicks.
Has this ever happened to you
It’s happened to me, but only on the Internet where it’s probably a troll.
That’s just not true. It’s transphobic to make it a big issue. Normally when you don’t want to sleep with someone, you don’t go out of your way to tell them and cry about it. You just… don’t sleep with them.
So many trans people complain saying that if others don’t want to sleep with them, they’re transphobic.
Source plz
While true, there’s also a lot of people who say things along the lines of “gay/trans people are ok just don’t try to have sex with me” which is more of the target of the meme
NGL im super into tomboys and genderfluid people. But the idea of having sex with someone who has a penis is off-putting to me. Idk
That just means you have a sexual preference lol
Lucky for you, some trans people who are AMAB get surgery to change that penis into a vagina or something else. There are also plenty of gender fluid or nonbinary trans people who are AFAB and don’t have or want a penis.
However, maybe get to know someone first and decide if you are attracted to them as a person before reducing them to their genitals. There are a lot of ways to have sex with trans people, and if you’re into them, they’re into you and they happen to have a penis, I’m sure you two can figure something out.
What are these letters?
AMAB is Assigned Male at Birth meaning typically born with genitalia interpreted as a penis but is sometimes due to parents/doctor choosing if the baby’s genitalia is not a penis or vagina.
Likewise, AFAB is Assigned Female at Birth meaning typically born with genitalia interpreted as a vagina but is sometimes due to parents/doctor choosing if the baby’s genigalia is not a penis or vagina.
Yeah I’m not saying I dont want to have sex with AMAB people, quite the contrary. And having an emotional connection is super important to me anyways. I just don’t think I could figure something out I’d actually be happy with when my partner still has a penis. And I’m not sure if this is wrong, but I don’t have a lot of time or energy to meet many people, so I prefer kinda pre filtering people to figure out whether its worth it to get to know them. Kinda the way most people just filter by male/female, I guess.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having preferences. As long as you don’t fetishize or objectify, and you treat people with dignity and respect it’s all chill.
Yeah I definitely treat everyone with respect and try to avoid fetishizing. I’d be lying if I said that I’m not trying to find someone with certain features, but I guess that’s really just having a preference. I’m not opposed to the idea of dating someone who doesn’t have all those features. My preferences are mostly about personality anyways though.
You seem like a good and reasonable person, and I’m glad you’re aware of your feelings and not reacting super negatively towards the existence of trans people over them. I’d recommend thinking through this a bit more sometime.
Sure, most people are only into men or women, but most people don’t start off getting to know someone before sex is on the table with a “by the way, what genitals do you have?” That feels reductive and is a major red flag to most trans people. It’s similar to how chasers who pursue trans women with a penis as a fetish. We’re so much more than our genitals.
In case you ever end up in sex talks with someone who either at that moment comes out as trans or mentions what genitals they have, handle that conversation delicately. Many of us and don’t want the genitals we have but surgery is too expensive, but we also don’t want to have sex with someone agonizing over our genitals or don’t want that part interacted with at all if we do. This is also why many trans people date within the trans community to alleviate these kinds of issues.
Yeah that definitely makes sense to me. Thanks for your explanation. Being perfectly honest, I’ve never dated a trans person, I just kinda suck at dating in general. It’s something I’m working on in therapy and I’ll keep your advice in mind for whenever it becomes relevant.
No thanks.
